Thursday, 30 March 2017

A Tailor

A perfect fit around the shoulders, two buttons to complement You intend to find the perfect fit the first time An effort you will need and nothing comes easy But a perfect fit, if tried hard enough A drop of sweat or a drop of tear, hard to differentiate by some Some of them never felt being left behind Not everyone shares the same passion, not everyone has the same dream But everyone does dream, to dream is to see the impossible as a possibility To visualize is to hold the impossibility in your hands To imagine is to grasp the victory in your hands But a price you will have to pay, to make it a reality Not every hand will leave a mark of perfection A need for a tailor to get a perfect fit, do you agree? A perfect fit is what you were always made for I'll tailor, tailor you around the edges, I'll stitch you together A perfect fit was what I always wanted A tailor never leaves his abandons of perfection

Sunday, 26 March 2017

Calculations, Emotions and some risks

Every once in a while I will go back to read the older conversations I had with a certain someone, even though we never talk anymore, not that I want to start another conversation with her anymore cause I know it will never reach to something that would be defined as a fruitful result, I just go back to see where I once stood, what I did, how different I was and where I have reached now.
When it's been a while and you re-read older conversation, I don't know about you but I feel like a third person because my answers now would be so different, I know where I could have steered it to a better place and where I could have given her the opportunity to speak what she had and not finish the conversations on the dead end note but it all was very valuable to me at least now I know what not to say to someone.
I played it safe and calculated my words, weighed my messages to see it wouldn't hurt but all when I was trying to avoid causing her pain, I did indeed hurt her, sometimes you need not to think that much and go with your gut feeling.
Calculations are for maths, finances and other deals where you aren't that emotionally connected to someone, where you have a connection you can play a little without the calculations, you can also play it as a bit of thriller, rev up the excitement and try different things.
We aren't robots, if you calculate everything that much you end up losing on quite a few avenues especially where relations are concerned be it lovers, family or friends.
And someone once said to me, if someone comes along and joins you on the journey it's good but don't change your destination for someone. 
To the girl on the other side, I wish you all the best and if we ever walk past each other someday know you always have a special place somewhere inside of me.

Saturday, 25 March 2017

Arms of the Beloved

A mix of different flashbacks, some from my own eyes, some from the imagination by the words of few


History written with an ink, not ordinary, from the drops of blood and sweat
From the arms of the beloved, to the embrace of the final departure
The colors of life, highlights of the finer events, from dusk till dawn
Emotions, felt by some, wanted by many and held on by a few
The drought brought about by the famine, thirst for a few drops
An oasis, a moment of hope for the hopeless, came too close too soon
Just a mirage, days passed, pages of my writings, a new feeling for a chapter
Eyes keen to look around, confidence locked inside, an opportunity 
Trembling hands, numbness, anxiety, ventilate, a life lays in front
Entrusted with lives, an injection, and they sleep, resting their life in your hands
A sharp knife cuts through the skin cleaned with anti septic, my eyes trace the movements
Precision matters, flesh gives away, a life inside a life, floating in a fluid
The first cry, as you inhale, smiles on the faces around, a moment never to be forgotten
Divided by color, religion and torn between choices, the child grows
As the light shines bright over the skin, they lie paralyzed, bless the start of a journey
Believe, pray, rationalize or visualize, whatever you may choose, yours is just an effort
The first time you couldn't save, tears will be hard to hold back, sleep distant, life too sad
The first you would save a life, tears of joy, a smile, colors will fill the emptiness
Till the day, down to the last breath, a hero, walk to where the lights of glory are
Concatenation follows a route, as the journey unravels, destinations lie ahead
At the end of the line, stand tall, look around, you might have been a miracle for some
Smile, for smiles never cost, cry as tears define your values, help, for help spreads smiles
The last breath of air, in the arms of my beloved, we walked together but now I must depart
Save the memories, cherish what we had, you were the rain when drought prevailed

Thursday, 23 March 2017

Tea, Rain and just me

Ever feel that you need a good cup of tea, a bit of rain and silence all around.
No music, no company, just so you are able to enjoy the weather and dedicate the time to yourself and yourself alone.
How often is that we indulge in thinking about what others will say, what others will think and what will be the outcome of this or that, what will be the impact of a certain outcome, should I speak, should I go up and try this procedure, should I write this or should I choose that option, do I need another cup of tea, can I do a research on this topic, is it even possible to try, can I plan something, should I even write this post, can I leave early today, can I skip gym today, do I have any excuses to cover myself, I forgot this work what would I do now, ah I'm wearing the wrong the surgical cap the wrong way, am I dressed too formally, tea or coffee, sleep or awake.
Don't you get tired of thinking about it all and making a choice for every single thing.
I do, and I want my cup of tea, some rain, no thoughts till I finish that cup of tea.

Monday, 20 March 2017

My book, My Friend

I forgot my bag at college today, feeling pretty sad about it cause the books I had in it were loaded with the notes I had written on them and when you read a book you develop a sort of a relationship with it, then it becomes somewhat like a loyal companion who will be there to guide you around the desert, help you find shelter when there's a sandstorm out there and is like a canteen which has water exactly when you need it the most.
So what would you do if you lose something as valuable as a book,if though there would be a  million books of the same edition, published by the same printing press and sold by the same shop but it wouldn't have your personal touch, your name, your writing, your notes and the ink which would have been a witness to your hard work and commitment.
My book was my friend whether of Pathology or of Otolaryngology, and I miss my friend

Sunday, 19 March 2017

Wenn Schon Denn Schon

A couple of days ago there was video clip of Arnold Schwarzenegger where he used that phrase. It's a German saying and it means If you're going to do something, then do it.
An interesting I came across, there are people who are aiming for something entirely different than what you plan and if mistakenly you reveal your plans to them they will tell you that it's not possible. Sure the majority hasn't been able to achieve a lot of things they wanted to do in their lives but does it mean  YOU fall into the same majority?
In the gym, I was doing bench press at a certain weight but whenever I would think about increasing the weight I would think that ah nah I probably won't be able to do whole set but then I tried and I did, I tried it again and I did it again, so a cycle came about where I started to feel confident about my abilities.
When you don't have faith in yourself, when you don't strengthen your core, when you don't think you can live up to the challenge, you reach a plateau phase where your efforts don't yield the result and it's all because you need to tweek some changes in your schedule, maybe just a minor change or maybe an overhaul, it all depends on you,
Me? I need a simple tweek and the time is pretty much right or if I postpone it a bit more it'll be a bit too late then,
Wenn Schon Denn Schon.

Saturday, 18 March 2017

What's it like to lose a patient

What's it like to lose a patient Who are patients? Frail human being who trust doctors with their lives, believing that a doctor possesses a magical wand. The first patient I saw cross the barrier over to the other side, was to the majority a bitter soul, his aggression would make everyone want to leave him be, I was merely a student but my curiosity never ceased to exist. The pancreatic cancer was in its final stage, survival rate was as low and there was no chance of having any brighter hopes; not at this stage. It was a July evening, monsoon season had already started, heavy showers were expected, for the first time I saw his family, 2 children and a wife. As I stood watching from the glass window, there was this sight which I couldn't forget, the way he looked at his family, a smile was all what he had on his face. As painful as it is to see a husband and a father breathe his last breaths, the family went outside in tears, but something felt changed, there's a sweet side to every bitter soul, a side hidden from the majority and revealed only to a few close ones. He had reasons to put up a bitter shield, but he had reasons to have a kinder side too. Every patient I saw after that day held a special place, listen to understand, everyone can smile And a smile is a silent token of appreciation for caring when people were weak and entrusted you with something without a price, a connection with multiple lives, a life, a soul.

Thursday, 16 March 2017

Ethics

Psychiatry is a very interesting,intriguing, captivating and a subject which is very applicable in everyday life. Learning about it can help you in a lot of ways, know what's coming your way, how the people will react, what the human defense mechanisms are and how you can navigate your way around people.
Yesterday at the gym I had a brief conversation with a corporate banker and in my views they are very excellent at getting to know people in just a few minutes, he said it's all about how you are able to manipulate a conversation in going towards your specific direction. 
At times it's good to show that you have a bigger heart but at times you need to take a stand for yourself and I took a stand for myself today.
What did it cost me? a petty friendship in the short run, but in the long run a lot of peace of mind, a lot of stress free situations, a crystal clear picture, how bad would the social isolation be? I'm fairly used to being all by myself so it doesn't even matter now. 
So coming to the topic of the post, Ethics. In healthcare there are some clearly defined areas and there are some grey areas. A simple wording would be you can clearly define some boundaries in some cases while in other you have to make do with what you think is the best just like the spelling of grey, it can be Grey or Gray. 
There was a psychiatry lecture today and the topic was same as that of the post, and I thought about writing it then and there but the lecture was so relate-able that I had to leave that thought.
When you are dealing with someone you should be well aware of what and who you are dealing with, what the consequences of such a deal might be and what would you gain from them.
Dealing means a lot of things, a simple conversation, a planned talk, a transaction or whatever it maybe, it's supposed to be something.
I thought I was dealing with a former friend but it turned out he wasn't worthy of being called a friend, the consequence was that I would lose a so called friend and some strings of friends (people I never socialize with), what I would gain would be a clear picture, an answer, a good way to plan my work and a good amount of peace.
Do I regret making that call? No!
What would I say at the end of this post, something the professor said "Don't be a fool and a tool in their hands, Be honest with yourself and Don't compromise on integrity."
It was a very good lecture for me at least it was.
Even though the things he said were mostly related to other people involved both directly and indirectly with healthcare but I believe these are general life lessons applicable to everyone's life and it's good to have a few bumps because they would save you from a pothole.
be honest with yourself of what you would be getting, leave those few days of having friends and killing your self respect and self esteem, look for the bigger picture.
What I learnt at the end. Hmmm it's good to talk but it's better to stick to better choice of vocab, using derogatory vocabulary only reveals how good someone's brought up was.
I saw my parents be professionals and professionalism calls for having a respect towards your colleagues, making a few compromises for the bigger picture but don't make those compromises at the cost of your self respect.
Live your life, love it, earn it, paint it, and don't make compromises where you don't need to.
Take a stand, make life meaningful and the next time you hear personally derogatory comments just  realize that they don't have something that you do and that's called a logical mind
They only come to those lows when there's nothing solid in their grasp and never let anything solid come in their hands, keep your guard high, don't think every other friend would be that friend and just be where you would be comfortable.


Tuesday, 14 March 2017

Little things

Visualize standing underneath a hot water shower, the warmth of the trickling water drops taking away all the harsh memories of the day and each of your breath brings in positive thoughts.
Now the next time you enjoy a good, relaxing shower do remember that some good things you don't always realize until you aren't able to enjoy them.
Life is full of all the little things that we don't usually acknowledge. Learn to acknowledge them cause these little things are what makes life so meaningful and colorful.

Sunday, 12 March 2017

The easy way out

 An Arabic word which is now characterized by controversies everywhere be it in the glamorous cities of Europe and America or the "traditional" cities of elsewhere, Hijab has been in the eyes.
Some use it as a symbol of modesty, others incorporate it as a fashion trend and then there are some who don't have a say in what they wear.
It's not a controversy but it has been made into a controversy by the acts of some people.
Catholic nuns wear veils, Tichel is worn by married orthodox Jewish women.
The problem starts at the grass root level, take for example a simple discussion about growing up, puberty, reproduction could be beneficial, in this society parents think that children will learn it by themselves and then go along with how their parents expect them to go around. That's not the case, I learnt about it all from my friends it was so awkward, yet being so afraid to ask is it true?
A couple of years ago on a social media platform I came across a "Grande Horizontale" from the same city but from a very posh area. Our conversation didn't last more than a few days, I asked her about her family and she said she left her family because they couldn't understand her. According to her she was pretty happy where she was. I was 17 back then I didn't know much to ask, I was just surprised to have come across her.
So we bury things when we should talk about them and sort them out and we think that burying things is the right thing to do but it creates so much confusion inside the young minds that at times it results in drastic choices being made.
Things should be dealt with in a clear, crisp and concise manner, we'll be having a much peaceful life that way.

Thursday, 9 March 2017

Mix of memories

I was driving on the motorway earlier today, nothing but the sun and the paved road ahead, no stress, no memories of someone and no desires about that certain someone.
Last night I saw you, you were standing there in the background, the noise, the cheers, the excitement, the enthusiasm all hidden behind your smile, a brief moment and then it all changed.
Funny how I thought you were gone from my mind and my thoughts but then you came right back into them.
It never is a coincidence when you come along for a visit in one of the most vivid dreams, one those are still fresh in my mind like the freshly baked loaf of bread, but some drinks are best left untasted, you let them age and then when they reach that perfect age you are never there to take a sip.
You my dear are that one drink, I'll never get to taste but I ought to say that someone who does get to enjoy your company would be, simply put, "lucky"
It was a bittersweet symphony the while it lasted.

Haha one sided attractions are never a good game.
I'll make do with Truly, Madly, Deeply by Savage Garden and bittersweet symphony by The Verve

Wednesday, 8 March 2017

Simple fixes

I was wanting to put a new post but my laptop wasn't just interested in working.
There was another laptop which apparently had some issues with WiFi, since my laptop decided not to work I was very much interested to making this one work as this was the simplest fix to the problem.
I looked up a number of places to see what could be the problem, from pressing different combinations of keyboard keys to reinstalling the network drivers, nothing worked out. I read somewhere that there was a WiFi key somewhere on these laptops but I couldn't find it anywhere.
Frustrated I closed the lid harshly and started to look around for this so called key.
Just around the disc drive there was tiny switch with a red color marking, i turned it to the other side and voila everything started to work out perfectly.
Temporarily I got a fix and I don't need to update my laptop right away.
Just one simple fix, had I known this before it would've been so easy all over.
Similarly a simple ice breaker could work wonders, some people I thought would be hard to talk to but in reality it was the exact opposite.
Early in the day I had to rush to a place, putting undue stress on my mind as well as the engine of the car, being a potential risk, it wasn't worth it. Didn't enjoy the drive.
At college it was great to see that my favorite parking place was open again.
I tried something called ASMR which stands for autonomous sensory meridian response, a collection of different sounds to relax or as they call give you head orgasm. It was a pretty good experience, had a very much relaxed sleep afterwards and I hadn't had that sort of pleasure in ages, so if you are stressed do check it out. I'm gonna use it as a treat for once in a while when I really need to wind off. 

Friday, 3 March 2017

Purpose of life

A few days ago I spoke to a friend of mine whom I've known for about 5 years, in these 5 years I mostly kept in touch with her over text messages and then I finally thought why not call her. Since there's an eleven hour time difference mostly the free time wouldn't synchronize. 

Fast forward to the conversation, I asked her what she thought the purpose of life was. She said we sometimes get so busy in the daily duties that we forget what we wanted to do. Hmm she put it into a good sentence there for me.
 
Sometime ago if someone asked me what I wanted to do, I'd have said an Orthopedic Surgeon, but that wasn't something I always wanted to do, I got interested in because of seeing some procedures in the Operation theater. So what did I always wanted to do, I wanted to travel. Growing up I heard a lot about countries like Czech Republic, England, France, Germany, Italy, Scotland, Spain and the USA, some from parents who spent some time in a few of those places, some from my cousins who'd visit Pakistan. 
But it wasn't all the Western countries that I heard about, an uncle of mine served in the armed forces as a doctor and I heard a lot about the different places he was posted, I was very much interested in visiting a lot of places. 
A lot of places in Pakistan to visit, a lot of places outside of Pakistan that I want to see, then as time passed this interest of mine got lost behind the schedule of everyday life and a few days ago I started to wonder what have I been doing? 
I wanted to be a Dentist and I'm studying to be a Doctor, I wanted to travel yet I haven't even explored the city I live in, I write yet almost no one knows about it, I want to have thought provoking conversations with people yet I hide behind the cover of lack of self confidence, 23 years of my life have passed away and here I am thinking what I wanted and what I ended up achieving. 
Looking at what I have in hand isn't less than a fortune, but some hard work at the right time and the right place could've made such a remarkable difference in life,
I still want to travel, just that the list of places I wanted to go has gained some new entries.
Photography, travelling, writing these are the things that make me happy, where does being a Doctor fit in this picture. 
The simplest way for me to write is by learning experiences and caring for people teaches a lot of things, it helps me to create a vivid painting in my mind which I can put together in words and at the end of the day it'll help me finance my way to what makes me happy.

So from coming into this world, to the childhood to the your adult life, you might lose what you wanted to do, somewhere the daily schedule of waking up at 6 am going to work at 8 coming back at 5pm you might lose yourself to the daily drive, don't fall into each day thinking you just want to see the time be 5pm instead make the most of it, learn from it and don't repeat the mistakes you once made.